Born: "Albany" Dan Patterson in Mktubu, Illinois, a medium-sized city of 118,000 people.

Moved to: Buffalo, New York, at age four when defense contractor father was relocated. Then moved to Albany, New York, to follow dream of becoming concert pianist or bureaucrat. Became bureaucrat.

Occupation: Sells hot dogs.

Other dreams: Once had dream about brain surgery. Had to administer own anesthetic, then had to go to bathroom.

Hair: Red

Eyes: Red

Skin: Red

Height: 7'9"

Jeans: Acid-washed

Genes: Some missing

Starring movie roles: Wizard of Oz (Cowardly Lion), Help! (John Lennon), Titanic (Captain)

Marriage: Four times, most recently to Elizabeth Taylor.

Favorite Bands: Fuchsia Fyoosh and the Taupes, Poomunch, Sisters Grimm, Neddy Ned Ned Ned, Nutsack Screwdriver, Hello Moo, Journey.

Non-Favorite Bands: Ronald and Nancy Reagan, Canadiana, Dingle, The Mighty Assknockers, Foreigner.

Passions: Soap operas, BMX racing, Elizabeth Taylor.

Non-passions: Soap, lawn trimmings, mercury (not the planet).

Talents: Cricket.

Non-talents: Walking.

Annoyances: Yellow

Non-annoyances: Water

Favorite quote: Jesus wept.

Non-favorite quote: My God, I have to take a nasty dump.

Personal philosophy: Don't eat lunch.

Non-personal philosophy: Eat lunch.

Why posts are so long: So as to not have to write every day.

Location in 150 years: Dead.