Jesus god, what a long weekend.

I went to my cousin's wedding in Buffalo yesterday. Actually, it was in Niagara Falls, which is lovely...in JULY. The whole thing was just arduous. The groom, who was a disturbing shade of green, had to be helped down the aisle by his parents, who were holding him up by the elbows. No joke -- everyone gasped when they saw him because they were all sure he was gonna drop at any second.

You had to feel bad for the guy. He went to kiss my cousin's grandparents, who are old and shriveled. The grandmother is now well under five feet -- probably four-seven on a tall day -- so he had to bend way down to kiss her cheek. Now, I don't know how up you are on your yarmulke physics, but they don't tend to work too well on bald people. This guy goes way beyond bald. He couldn't doesn't even have enough hair for a combover. So, he must've figured it'd be a good idea to tape the fucker down.

Yeah, that was a mistake. Dude bent over to kiss the grandma on her cheek and the fucking thing fell off his head, exposing a huge strip of tape. Cue wild audience laughter.

We then had to sit through an HOUR LONG ceremony led by a gay, reedy-voiced hassidic guy with an ugly tie, followed by a FOUR HOUR dinner. That's just wrong. No one should have to be subjected to the spectacle of old, suburban, jewish people dancing en masse, and especially not on an empty stomach. That's wrong, too.

Bottom line: I'm never getting married. Sorry, Marci. It's too much of a trial.

So I woke up early this morning to the sight of the world ending and drove back. I went to the office to pick up some shit I need for a thing I have to work on tonight and started walking back. I got onto my block and then remembered the liquor shop diagonal from me across the intersection. I figgered, hell, it's been a stressful weekend, and I'll have a little drinky-poo before I get to work.

I looked across and the Don't Walk light was blinking on and off. There was this chick standing at the corner. She looked back at me and then turned her head away quickly. I looked down and then back across the street, deciding whether or not to go. She looked at me again, then looked away quickly again. I decided to go and jogged cross the street to beat the light.

She must've thought I was some sort of crazy stalker person, cuz when she saw me coming, she jumped, like, three steps back. She had a look on her face like a gazelle in the savannah, feeling some sort of impending doom.

The liht she was waiting for changed, and she headed across the street quickly, stealing glances over her shoulder. that was the same way I was going, too, because the liquor store's on that corner. She got across the street and darted into the store, like it was some sort of safe haven.

I was really torn. On the one hand, I hate making people feel uncomfortable, and she looked a litle flipped. I didn't want to be the neighborhood creepy guy. On the other hand, I wanted some drink. Since I'm such a wuss, the uncomfortable thing won out.

I walked down a block or two, then turned around and walked home.

I got on my stoop, and since my car was right there, I looked back to see how long I could park before I had to move. I craned my neck and squinted my eyes, and finally made out that it was Thursday. The chick came walking up the street, made it to the parking sign, saw me, and quickly turned around.

So now I have no drink, am officially the neighborhood creepy guy and the world is ending. great.

This year needs to end.