Progression

A wise man once said that writing is like pooping: you should never force it. Since I really have nothing new to report in the life of Albany Dan, I'm gonna post this thing I wrote a while back whilst I come up with something decent to tell you jokers instead of the tripe I was thinking up. I know, I know, it's morally dubious and I should be ashamed of myself for recycling, but, well, I don't care. Nyah!

As always, this is 100% true.

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How To Keep From Doing That Which One Would Rather Not Be Doing
A minute-to-minute schedule for the deadline day
(Sunday version)

7:06 AM: Wake up to phone call for someone named ?Todd.? Inform caller that there is no Todd. Hang up phone. Resume sleep.

9:20 AM Wake up to phone call from mother ten minutes before scheduled alarm. Obtain location of breakfast. Hang up phone.

9:21 AM: Get out of bed. Walk five paces to desk. Sit down. Light Camel Light cigarette. Attempt to sign on to Major Internet Provider.

9:23 AM: Connect to Major Internet Provider. Check e-mail. None. Check weather. Check top news. Sign off.

9:26 AM: Stub out cigarette. Rub head with palms, starting at temples and moving back. Take swig of warm diet soda sitting in 2-Liter container next to desk since the night before.

9:29 AM: Scratch thoroughly.

9:30 AM: Turn off ringing alarm. Get up. Take clean boxer shorts and t-shirt from dresser drawer.

9:31 AM: Walk into bathroom. Close door. Disrobe. Start shower to allow heating-up time. Examine jowls and beer gut in mirror. Test water with left hand.

9:32 AM: Scratch thoroughly.

9:33 AM: Test water again. Enter shower. Begin showering.

9:42 AM: Exit shower. Towel dry. Do not brush hair. Brush teeth. Put on boxers and t-shirt. Exit bathroom.

9:44 AM: Put on same jeans that have been worn for four consecutive days. Put on sandals.

9:46 AM: Sit down at desk. Light last Camel Light cigarette of the morning.

9:52 AM: Stub out cigarette. Grab jacket. Leave.

9:59 AM: Arrive at family?s hotel one minute early. Point this fact out to family. Have the autistic person working behind the desk call for taxi. Make small talk with family.

10:02 AM: Get into Lincoln Towncar that arrives instead of taxi. Give driver address to restaurant that the autistic person working behind the desk supplied.

10:28 AM: Arrive at destination supplied by autistic person working behind the desk.

10:29 AM: Note that destination is a bakery, not a restaurant. Ask dried fruits vendor for location of nearby restaurant.

10:36 AM: Arrive at Jewish-type food restaurant. Sit down at open table.

10:39 AM: Peruse menu. Order diet soda.

10:43 AM: Send back regular soda waiter mistakenly brings. Reiterate request for diet soda. Order french toast. Make small talk with family.

10:59 AM: Begin eating. Stop speaking.

11:32 AM: Wait for father to pay for meal. Exit restaurant. Walk towards nearest subway stop.

11:40 AM: Get on unfamiliar subway line. Wait for train.

11:50 AM: Get on train. Wait for train to start moving. Check to make sure train is going in right direction.

11:51 AM: Discover it is not.

12:12 PM: Arrive in Brooklyn. Exit subway. Exit platform. Pay to have MetroCard Gold refilled.

12:17 PM: Walk to correct platform. Wait for train.

12: 23 PM: Get on correct train.

12:49 PM: Arrive at stop. Exit train. Walk back to family?s hotel. Make small talk with family.

1:06 PM: Escort family to waiting car. Take $20 from father. Kiss each member of family on cheek. Promise to take care of yourself. Walk back to residence.

1:15 PM: Arrive at residence. Take express elevator.

1:17 PM: Unlock door. Light Camel Light cigarette. Close door. Remove sandals. Remove jacket. Sit down at desk. Turn television on. Tune in to first Major Televised Sporting Event of the afternoon.

1:19 PM: Attempt to sign on to Major Internet Provider

1:21 PM: Connect to Major Internet Provider. Check e-mail. Delete instructions on how to make $30,000 with a one-time investment of $25. Check weather. Check top news.

1:23 PM: Stub out cigarette. Sign off.

1:29 PM: Begin brainstorming ideas for column in Local Newspaper. Acknowledge fact that column is due in two-and-a-half hours.

1:39 PM: Reject all column ideas because they are dumb. Take swig of warm diet soda sitting in 2-Liter container next to desk since the night before.

1:41 PM: Continue watching Major Televised Sporting Event. Ascertain that your local team is winning. Rejoice quietly.

1:53 PM: Start rousing game of Professionally Licensed Video Hockey on computer. Set level to ?Easy? to ensure victory. Begin playing.

2:22 PM: Win by a final score of 8-3. Play again.

2:56 PM: Win by a final score of 9-2. Play again.

3:18 PM: Lose by a final score of 6-5. Restart computer before game has chance to save scores. Light Camel Light cigarette.

3:24 PM: Stub out cigarette. Remember small amount of low-grade marijuana leftover from earlier. Take out marijuana. Pick out seeds.

3:32 PM: Put small amount of Marijuana in pipe. Smoke pipe.

3:38 PM: Stare at ceiling.

4:08 PM: Resume brainstorming ideas for column in Local Newspaper. Feel repentant because column was due eight minutes ago.

4:19 PM: Reject all column ideas because they are dumb. Turn television to second Major Televised Sporting Event of the afternoon. Sit down on sofa.

4:23 PM: Curl up on sofa. Take note that sofa is too small to be curled up upon.

4:26 PM: Nap time.

5:32 PM: Wake up. Again take note that sofa is too small to be curled up upon.

5:33 PM: Roll over. Continue sleeping.

6:02 PM: Wake up. Stand up. Scratch thoroughly.

6:03 PM: Take swig of warm diet soda sitting in 2-Liter container next to desk since the night before. Walk to bathroom.

6:04PM: Evacuate bladder. Grunt to indicate your level of relief. Flush toilet. Zip up.

6:05 PM: Resume sleep.

6:10 PM: Wake up. Note street-level noise from ethnically-themed festival below. Sit down at desk. Light Camel Light cigarette. Attempt to sign on to Major Internet Provider.

6:12 PM: Connect to Major Internet Provider. Check e-mail. None. Check weather. Check top news.

6:17 PM: Stub out cigarette. Sign off. Pick up menu from delivery Mexican-type food restaurant.

6:18 PM: Call Mexican-type food restaurant. Attempt to understand worker?s English through heavy accent. Gain assurance that Black Bean Soup is vegetarian. Order Black Bean Soup. Order Pinto Bean Burrito with Black Beans instead of Pinto Beans. Hang up phone. Wait for delivery.

6:21 PM: Sit down at desk. Put more low-grade marijuana in pipe. Smoke it.

6:26 PM: Light Camel Light cigarette. Stare at ceiling.

6:33 PM: Stub out cigarette. Continue staring at ceiling.

6:57 PM: Snap out of haze to answer phone. Say ?OK, man.? Hang up phone. Take express elevator to lobby.

6:59 PM: Pay for Mexican-type food. Return to room.

7:03 PM: Take Black Bean Soup from plastic bag. Hope soup actually is vegetarian. Open lid. Note chicken broth stratified on top layer of soup. Utter obscenity.

7:05 PM: Begin eating Burrito. Mumble something about teaching them ?not to fuck with this vegetarian.?

7:27 PM: Light Camel Light cigarette. Tune television to Hour Long Prime Time News Magazine Starring Old People.

7:33 PM: Stub out cigarette. Resume brainstorming ideas for column in Local Newspaper. Remember column was due three hours, thirty-three minutes ago.

7:58 PM: Reject all column ideas because they are dumb.

8:01 PM: Turn on television to see if Popular Adult-Oriented Animated Television Program is presently being aired. To do so, flip through 62 channels because ?0? button is inoperative.

8:16 PM: Ascertain that Popular Adult-Oriented Animated Television Program is not being aired in order to broadcast Prime-Time Major Sporting Event. Leave television on.

9:05 PM: Resume brainstorming ideas for column in Local Newspaper. Disregard fact that column was due five hours, five minutes ago.

9:07 PM: Move back to sofa.

9:11 PM: Develop vague idea for column based on some chick you met in a bar in Des Moines five years ago.

9:13 PM: Nap time.

11:14 PM: Wake up. Pick up Bestseller by Author Who Consumed A Wide Variety of Drugs In The Sixties. Be sure to note how many pages you read to praise your studiousness later.

11:57 PM: Put down Bestseller by Author Who Consumed A Wide Variety of Drugs In The Sixties. Note number of pages read. Praise your studiousness.

11:59 PM: Decide to use idea from earlier about chick from Des Moines.

12:07 AM (Monday): Sit down in front of computer. Open Word Processing Program Created By Mega-Corporate Software Firm.

12:10 AM: Begin playing rousing game of Mega-Corporate Software Firm?s Solitaire.

12:38 AM: Re-open Word Processing Program Created By Mega-Corporate Software Firm. Stare at blank computer screen.

12:44 AM: Light Camel Light cigarette. Continue staring at screen.

12:50 AM: Stub out cigarette. Continue staring at screen.

1:08 AM: Begin writing.

Posted by albanydan at May 13, 2002 09:59 PM